Rishon Rishon

Myers Briggs and Marriage

The following was written by my wife (INFP):

The Myers Briggs system is so practically relevant to making the best of relationship difficulties that it’s hard for me to sit by watching an exchange on this topic that does not address this aspect.

Specifically I’d like to jot down some observations on personality type and marriage. An old-school question with regard to one’s possible mate used to be “what do you have in common?” Presumably what there is to be had in common could be background or economic class, common interests, or similar personalities (the last two being related, as one’s personality influences his or her interests.) There was an intuitive understanding that a partnership required substantial commonality to weather the storms of the years. The folk-wisdom that contradicts this, of course, is that opposites attract - complementarity is what produces chemistry in a relationship, together with our own earliest patterns resounding within us (see Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want).

Ideally the challenges of juggling family life and the work world prove catalysts to personal growth of each partner. However, those stressors can also push a couple to the brink. A little insight goes a long way in softening this kind of known adjustment, and here is where Myers Briggs has real practical relevance. It can help you grope your way through a quagmire of personality dynamics in your relationship. I’ll offer a few examples of what Myers Briggs can and cannot shed light upon, sprinkled with a few Laws of Living (or Loving…)

Law I: Benefit of the Doubt - Assume the best motivations of your partner. It will help you tremendously in understanding what motivates his or her behavior if you learn to understand his or her personality composition. Myers Briggs traits create a framework within which certain trends in behavior are predictable, as are certain pitfalls. For example, if he’s a strong extrovert and she’s a strong introvert, she’ll consider quiet cuddling on the couch to be True Quality Time, and he’ll be bored out of his mind (after a year or so, especially if, as some modern couples do, they live in the same city!) Combine this with another strong contrast, such as Sensing/iNtuitive, and it gets stickier: she wants to talk about her deepest feelings and he dozes off on the couch, leaving her feelings hurt and her needs frustrated.

This is not to say that partners with strongly contrasting personalities are doomed, but that the incompatibility which may manifest in specific areas is a known entity. You’ll want to walk in with your eyes open. The couple could agree to plan activities which appealed to each type so as to vary their time spent together, but most importantly they might avoid deep misunderstanding by realizing that their partner’s preference is not a personal slight.

A word on the limits of Myers Briggs to illuminate your life - its field is inborn personality traits, while some aspects of personality are learned. Issues such as difficulty in managing anger may arise, based on a pattern or experience in childhood, which cannot be decoded or predicted with Myers Briggs. Likewise, personality evolves over time, and marriage is a universal challenge to maturity. Law II: A degree of development is necessary to appreciate the long-term goals of family life, with its frequent requirement of delayed gratification, and its deeper satisfactions plus mundane day-to-day.

This said, there are some common problematic responses to the stresses of family life, such as escapism (hiding in your outside activities), martyrdom (making one’s family commitments one’s sole identity, without taking pleasure in it) and abusive behaviors, verbal, physical or otherwise. Your Myers Briggs profile can help you understand what within you drives you toward a certain problematic response, and perhaps help you see where you could use some healthy balance. A personality with a strong drive toward service and order might bury himself in his duty toward his family, although it’s especially common among women; a strong sensing-perceiving type, which is a classic thrill-seeker and athlete, will elect a more escapist route in response to stress.

In sum anyone already feeling confused or depressed about the state of a partnership might gain self-awareness and perhaps some new directions by investigating the role of type in the relationship.